Self Confidence

I have no problem telling you that I have an extreme lack of self confidence.  I can talk a good game and hide it sometimes, but I know deep down inside I am fat, ugly and way too damn tall for a girl...
Yes, as I have gotten older, I realize that I'm not really fat, just a big girl, and certainly getting smaller as the days go by, but I will never have a 28" waist again and will definitely never see 100 lbs again.  I'm not really sure that I would want to go back to being that small.  Finding clothes that fit was next to impossible!!!  I spent most of junior high wearing mens pants because woman's pants either fit at the waist, or they fit the legs...  Never both!
I know I am not really ugly, just not classically beautiful and I certainly can dress myself up to look passable.  I have a great hair stylist now that has definitely taken my hair from drab to fab.  Also, not cutting my own hair and coloring out of a box, might have something to do with the increase in attractiveness of my hair.  My face, my teeth, my body, well...  I am doing what I can, but I am not on any Vogue waiting lists for the next cover model.
In regards to being too tall...  I used to love it...  Getting told that if I kept going I would make a fabulous basketball player...  being able to reach the top shelf...  wearing heels and hitting 6' tall...  It was really awesome being freakishly tall as a kid...  But I never did get tall enough to make a decent ball player and my talent level is somewhat lacking...  hitting 6' tall doesn't seem as important now that most everyone I know is under 6' and I don't like feeling like a giant...
All in all...  I just add up to a mess...
And then men come into the picture...
Since moving to the South, doors get held open more often, and friendly smiles abound much more than in the cold North.  Not trying to tear NYS down, just stating simple facts that life really does have a different speed down here...  If you break down on the side of the road, multiple people will stop to see if you are ok, instead of just driving past...  Random people will wave as you drive down a back country road...  I really have fallen in love with the South and don't know that I could ever move back to New York.
But guys...  From the dirty construction worker looking at me like I am naked to the older gentleman that gets a spring in his step because he got to hold open the door for a pretty young thing, I just don't feel like I deserve their attention!  And then you find that guy, that just takes your breath away...  He is so gorgeous, and built like you can't even believe!  And he stops and smiles at you and asks if you are having a good day...  And all you want to do is melt because you can't believe that he is looking at you...
And then...  He leaves and you wonder why he even saw you...  You know you are nothing special...  And he was off the charts hot...
These are the moments that are happening more often to me...
It doesn't matter that I lost 30 lbs of fat.  It doesn't matter that I am starting to allow myself to dress more like a woman.  It doesn't matter this or that or any other thing in the world...  What matters is that when I look in the mirror, I still see the flabby arms, the muffin top, the side boob...  All of it just continues to point to, why me?
Earlier this week, I wore this grey sleeveless shirt I have.  I don't know the material of the shirt...  Maybe polyester on the sides with a cotton stripe going up the middle in the front and the back.  Because of the different material types, the middle always stretches to accommodate my curves.  When I first bought this shirt, over 3 years ago, I actually never wore it because I didn't like how fat it made me look.  Today, I wear it with pride, because the curves that the shirt shows, are the curves that a woman is supposed to have.  This same day, I also wore my black pinstripe dress pants, size 14, recently bought in December.  They are the smallest pair of pants that I am currently wearing and I just feel awesome wearing them.  Overall, the look I presented, was a well put together business professional, and I felt good.  When the guys looked my way that day, I was like, yes, sir!  This is me!!!  At the end of my day, I ended up on a date with a guy from the gym, who just made me feel amazing because he thought I looked amazing!!!
My confidence issues will probably never go away completely...  But if those days, like the one earlier this week, keep happening...  I might actually start to own this body that I am building and on that day...  I hope I have the presence of mind to say, 'Yes, ma'am!  This is me!!!!'