Single Digit Pant Size

Last week was a tough week for me.  Had some self confidence issues, some perception issues, some guy issues.  Not sure that this week will be any better, but a couple of conversations with friends and a blog by my roommate from last year have the blog wheels spinning in my head.
Quick, or not so quick, recap:
November 2011 - I was facing size 20 pants and refused to make that purchase, so I bought a Wii and Wii Fit, discovered I weighed 225 lbs, my highest weight ever!!!!
April 2012 - Joined Lose It, discovered I weighed 215 lbs.  Decided on a goal weight of 150 lbs
After joining Lose It, I dived head first into the forums, read everything I could.  If I was going to make a concentrated effort to lose weight, then I was going to do it with all the ammunition I could find!  
Fall 2012 - I hit 200 lbs and everyone kept telling me that I looked so good and I didn't need to lose anymore weight, but I was still so far from my goal!  And still looked so fat!  I started doing more research and got into body fat percentages.  I don't know what percentage I first picked (should have been somewhere in the high 20's), but the weight that corresponded to it was 165 lbs.  I felt that changing my goal was ok to keep me still looking feminine, without draining myself mentally trying to hit a number that was never going to be possible!
December 2012 - I hit my low weight of 194.9 lbs, 25 lbs lost!  Amazing!!!!!  I, also, bought my first pair of size 14 pants in ages!!!!
January 2013 - I joined the gym and promptly picked up 5 lbs and kept gaining weight!
February 2013 - I lost 2% body fat!
March 2013 - I lost a total of 6"!
April 2013 - I lost 1% body fat!
May 2013 - I lost 1% body fat!
June 2013 - I lost 1% body fat!  I now weigh 210.3 lbs!!!
I am less than 5 lbs from when I started Lose It and with an average of 3 lbs gain a month, I will reach my start LI weight by the end of the summer and it is very likely that I will exceed my high weight by the end of the year!
I am never going to be able to hit 150, 165, or any other weight, because as I continue with my training, I am continuing to build muscle and that old adage is true: muscle really does weigh more than fat!
I am gaining inches in all the right places (arms and legs) and losing inches in all the right places (waist and hips).
After abandoning my weight goals earlier this year, I started thinking about what other goals I could come up with besides just my 18% bf goal.  I decided I wanted to fit into single digit pants!  My trainer said, 'You might not lose anymore weight, but we can definitely trim size!'  I was excited!!!
Last week, she asked me how many sizes I had lost since joining the gym.  She couldn't believe that I said none!!!!  We started talking about my progress (which has been amazing!) and all of a sudden it dawned on me....  All of my power is in my legs and we keep emphasising my leg work and I have gained inches in my legs and the pants in my 'not quite yet' bag won't fit over my legs...
Guess what???  My bodybuilding efforts, my increased inches in my thighs, currently at 21", will never fit into anything smaller than a 14 - 16!!!!
So yet again, I am searching for a new goal...  A new way to define my end game...  Today I don't know what that will be...  But remember...  Just because you can't hit that number on the scale, does not mean that you are not winning this fight!!!  There are lots of ways to measure success.  You just need to find the one that works for you!

Self Confidence

I have no problem telling you that I have an extreme lack of self confidence.  I can talk a good game and hide it sometimes, but I know deep down inside I am fat, ugly and way too damn tall for a girl...
Yes, as I have gotten older, I realize that I'm not really fat, just a big girl, and certainly getting smaller as the days go by, but I will never have a 28" waist again and will definitely never see 100 lbs again.  I'm not really sure that I would want to go back to being that small.  Finding clothes that fit was next to impossible!!!  I spent most of junior high wearing mens pants because woman's pants either fit at the waist, or they fit the legs...  Never both!
I know I am not really ugly, just not classically beautiful and I certainly can dress myself up to look passable.  I have a great hair stylist now that has definitely taken my hair from drab to fab.  Also, not cutting my own hair and coloring out of a box, might have something to do with the increase in attractiveness of my hair.  My face, my teeth, my body, well...  I am doing what I can, but I am not on any Vogue waiting lists for the next cover model.
In regards to being too tall...  I used to love it...  Getting told that if I kept going I would make a fabulous basketball player...  being able to reach the top shelf...  wearing heels and hitting 6' tall...  It was really awesome being freakishly tall as a kid...  But I never did get tall enough to make a decent ball player and my talent level is somewhat lacking...  hitting 6' tall doesn't seem as important now that most everyone I know is under 6' and I don't like feeling like a giant...
All in all...  I just add up to a mess...
And then men come into the picture...
Since moving to the South, doors get held open more often, and friendly smiles abound much more than in the cold North.  Not trying to tear NYS down, just stating simple facts that life really does have a different speed down here...  If you break down on the side of the road, multiple people will stop to see if you are ok, instead of just driving past...  Random people will wave as you drive down a back country road...  I really have fallen in love with the South and don't know that I could ever move back to New York.
But guys...  From the dirty construction worker looking at me like I am naked to the older gentleman that gets a spring in his step because he got to hold open the door for a pretty young thing, I just don't feel like I deserve their attention!  And then you find that guy, that just takes your breath away...  He is so gorgeous, and built like you can't even believe!  And he stops and smiles at you and asks if you are having a good day...  And all you want to do is melt because you can't believe that he is looking at you...
And then...  He leaves and you wonder why he even saw you...  You know you are nothing special...  And he was off the charts hot...
These are the moments that are happening more often to me...
It doesn't matter that I lost 30 lbs of fat.  It doesn't matter that I am starting to allow myself to dress more like a woman.  It doesn't matter this or that or any other thing in the world...  What matters is that when I look in the mirror, I still see the flabby arms, the muffin top, the side boob...  All of it just continues to point to, why me?
Earlier this week, I wore this grey sleeveless shirt I have.  I don't know the material of the shirt...  Maybe polyester on the sides with a cotton stripe going up the middle in the front and the back.  Because of the different material types, the middle always stretches to accommodate my curves.  When I first bought this shirt, over 3 years ago, I actually never wore it because I didn't like how fat it made me look.  Today, I wear it with pride, because the curves that the shirt shows, are the curves that a woman is supposed to have.  This same day, I also wore my black pinstripe dress pants, size 14, recently bought in December.  They are the smallest pair of pants that I am currently wearing and I just feel awesome wearing them.  Overall, the look I presented, was a well put together business professional, and I felt good.  When the guys looked my way that day, I was like, yes, sir!  This is me!!!  At the end of my day, I ended up on a date with a guy from the gym, who just made me feel amazing because he thought I looked amazing!!!
My confidence issues will probably never go away completely...  But if those days, like the one earlier this week, keep happening...  I might actually start to own this body that I am building and on that day...  I hope I have the presence of mind to say, 'Yes, ma'am!  This is me!!!!'